


jodie whittaker is the purest soul; doctor who groupchat au

by frangipanejauregui



Series: space gays and space straights (doctor who) [1]
Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Group chat, Menna - Freeform, Other, Smoleman, Texting, billie just wants to fuckin deck david all the time and every day, davlie, doctor who groupchat, doctor who texting, everybody leave my son arthur alone, for the love of god let peter capaldi live his life jenna, groupchat, jenna and john are the only actual queers in this chat yay representation go me, jenna is small bi and down to fight also memes, jodie is the purest smallest child, john would make out with anyone as long as its a dude, lowercase intended, memelord!jenna, platonic colepaldi, platonic smillan, protect jodie whittaker protect jodie whittaker proTECT JODIE WHITTAKER
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 09:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10873602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frangipanejauregui/pseuds/frangipanejauregui
Summary: eeeee: whom’st’ve the FUCK came up with these usernamesjencoco: mesuperpeter: it suits you ingridkazza: jen you have competition for biggest shitposter in this chat nowjencoco: whom’st'd've'lu'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es'nt't're'ing'able'tic do you think youre talking toeeeee: can i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh little bit of respectoldtennant: i mean she did copypaste the entire script of the bee movie into the chat oncerattyburvill: *shudders* i have ptsd from that incidenteeeee: trucejencoco: agreed---or, the one where jenna spews memes and everyone thinks arthur is gay.





	1. you go jen coco™

**Author's Note:**

> smithers: matt smith  
> jencoco: jenna coleman  
> kazza: karen gillan  
> rattyburvill: arthur darvill  
> superpeter: peter capaldi  
> oldmcdonald/oldtennant: david tennant  
> billie: billie piper

_smithers added jencoco, kazza, rattyburvill, superpeter, oldmcdonald, and billie to the chat_

 

smithers: hello and welcome to the chat!

smithers: my name is matt smith and I will be your host tonight.

jencoco: I do not have the time nor patience for this crap

billie: YOU GO JEN COCO

kazza: YOU GO JEN COCO

rattyburvill: YOU GO JEN COCO

jencoco: no stop this

jencoco: I'm trying to take my early midmorning after-breakfast nap

jencoco: it makes me feel tall

smithers: aw jenna the meedget

jencoco: I am of perfectly average height thank you mr. freakishly tall

oldmcdonald: who made up these usernames

jencoco: that would be smithers over there

smithers: yes I quite like the usernames myself-

smithers: HEY I AM NOT FREAKISHLY TALL

oldmcdonald: the world cannot know my true name or identity

_oldmcdonald changed his name to oldtennant_

billie: ok but david

billie: you realize that your full name is just on your wikipedia page right

oldtennant: wait I have a Wikipedia page?

oldtennant: ah so I do

kazza: what is the purpose

rattyburvill: OMG HI KAREN

kazza: oh no

kazza: hiiiiii arthur

smithers: does everybody know everybody

smithers: introduce yo selves and state your favorite…

kazza: label for yourself

smithers: okay go

smithers: matt smith, secret agent ninja

kazza: karen gillan, matt’s personal heckler

jencoco: jenna coleman, memelord

billie: billie piper, pop star

oldtennant: *ahem*has-been*ahem*

oldtennant: david ten-inch, sex god

smithers: ohmygod BARF

billie: DAVID!!!

billie: watch yourself

smithers: continue everybody

superpeter: peter capaldi, scottish fanboy

rattyburvill: and so the silent star speaks

rattyburvill: arthur darvill, beautiful man

kazza: yea right


	2. jenna is hungry (again)

jencoco: matt im hungryyyyyyyy

smithers: nO make peter get you food

superpeter: don't drag me into this

superpeter: I have to put up with that every. single. day.

jencoco: food please

jencoco: and coffee would be nice

smithers: oh that explains a lot

jencoco: whats thAT suppose to mean

smithers: coffee stunts your growth

jencoco: I AM;;;;;; NORMAL SIZED

smithers: okay my dearest oompah loompah

smithers: I'll get you food

superpeter: thank god for small mercies 

jencoco: don't press the issue peter dougan capaldi

jencoco: I will find you and stab you in the kneecaps

superpeter: eat a snickers jen 

superpeter: youre not you when youre hangry 

jencoco: fite me

jencoco: any decade now is fine, matthew


	3. welcome back to dead memes

billie: hello girls of this group chat

billie: come to my place

kazza: okay

kazza: I have arrived

jencoco: same

billie: why are you over there jen

kazza: she's just sitting in the corner cackling like an idiot

billie: speak, jenna-louise

jencoco: According to all known laws  
of aviation,

  
there is no way a bee  
should be able to fly.

  
Its wings are too small to get  
its fat little body off the ground.

  
The bee, of course, flies anyway

  
because bees don't care  
what humans think is impossible.

  
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

  
Ooh, black and yellow!  
Let's shake it up a little.

  
Barry! Breakfast is ready!

  
Ooming!

  
Hang on a second.

  
Hello?

  
\- Barry?  
\- Adam?

  
\- Oan you believe this is happening?  
\- I can't. I'll pick you up.

  
Looking sharp.

  
Use the stairs. Your father  
paid good money for those.

  
Sorry. I'm excited.

  
Here's the graduate.  
We're very proud of you, son.

  
A perfect report card, all B's.

  
Very proud.

  
Ma! I got a thing going here.

  
\- You got lint on your fuzz.  
\- Ow! That's me!

  
\- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.  
\- Bye!

  
Barry, I told you,  
stop flying in the house!

  
\- Hey, Adam.  
\- Hey, Barry.

  
\- Is that fuzz gel?  
\- A little. Special day, graduation.

  
Never thought I'd make it.

  
Three days grade school,  
three days high school.

  
Those were awkward.

  
Three days college. I'm glad I took  
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

  
You did come back different.

  
\- Hi, Barry.  
\- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

  
\- Hear about Frankie?  
\- Yeah.

  
\- You going to the funeral?  
\- No, I'm not going.

  
Everybody knows,  
sting someone, you die.

  
Don't waste it on a squirrel.  
Such a hothead.

  
I guess he could have  
just gotten out of the way.

  
I love this incorporating  
an amusement park into our day.

  
That's why we don't need vacations.

  
Boy, quite a bit of pomp...  
under the circumstances.

  
\- Well, Adam, today we are men.  
\- We are!

  
\- Bee-men.  
\- Amen!

  
Hallelujah!

  
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

  
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

  
Welcome, New Hive Oity  
graduating class of...

  
...9:15.

  
That concludes our ceremonies.

  
And begins your career  
at Honex Industries!

  
Will we pick ourjob today?

  
I heard it's just orientation.

  
Heads up! Here we go.

  
Keep your hands and antennas  
inside the tram at all times.

  
\- Wonder what it'll be like?  
\- A little scary.

  
Welcome to Honex,  
a division of Honesco

  
and a part of the Hexagon Group.

  
This is it!

  
Wow.

  
Wow.

  
We know that you, as a bee,  
have worked your whole life

  
to get to the point where you  
can work for your whole life.

  
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen  
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

  
Our top-secret formula

  
is automatically color-corrected,  
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

  
into this soothing sweet syrup

  
with its distinctive  
golden glow you know as...

  
Honey!

  
\- That girl was hot.  
\- She's my cousin!

  
\- She is?  
\- Yes, we're all cousins.

  
\- Right. You're right.  
\- At Honex, we constantly strive

  
to improve every aspect  
of bee existence.

  
These bees are stress-testing  
a new helmet technology.

  
\- What do you think he makes?  
\- Not enough.

  
Here we have our latest advancement,  
the Krelman.

  
\- What does that do?  
\- Oatches that little strand of honey

  
that hangs after you pour it.  
Saves us millions.

  
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

  
Of course. Most bee jobs are  
small ones. But bees know

  
that every small job,  
if it's done well, means a lot.

  
But choose carefully

  
because you'll stay in the job  
you pick for the rest of your life.

  
The same job the rest of your life?  
I didn't know that.

  
What's the difference?

  
You'll be happy to know that bees,  
as a species, haven't had one day off

  
in 27 million years.

  
So you'll just work us to death?

  
We'll sure try.

  
Wow! That blew my mind!

  
"What's the difference?"  
How can you say that?

  
One job forever?  
That's an insane choice to have to make.

  
I'm relieved. Now we only have  
to make one decision in life.

  
But, Adam, how could they  
never have told us that?

  
Why would you question anything?  
We're bees.

  
We're the most perfectly  
functioning society on Earth.

  
You ever think maybe things  
work a little too well here?

  
Like what? Give me one example.

  
I don't know. But you know  
what I'm talking about.

  
Please clear the gate.  
Royal Nectar Force on approach.

  
Wait a second. Oheck it out.

  
\- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!  
\- Wow.

  
I've never seen them this close.

  
They know what it's like  
outside the hive.

  
Yeah, but some don't come back.

  
\- Hey, Jocks!  
\- Hi, Jocks!

  
You guys did great!

  
You're monsters!  
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

  
\- I wonder where they were.  
\- I don't know.

  
Their day's not planned.

  
Outside the hive, flying who knows  
where, doing who knows what.

  
You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen  
Jock. You have to be bred for that.

  
Right.

  
Look. That's more pollen  
than you and I will see in a lifetime.

  
It's just a status symbol.  
Bees make too much of it.

  
Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it  
and the ladies see you wearing it.

  
Those ladies?  
Aren't they our cousins too?

  
Distant. Distant.

  
Look at these two.

  
\- Oouple of Hive Harrys.  
\- Let's have fun with them.

  
It must be dangerous  
being a Pollen Jock.

  
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me  
against a mushroom!

  
He had a paw on my throat,  
and with the other, he was slapping me!

  
\- Oh, my!  
\- I never thought I'd knock him out.

  
What were you doing during this?

  
Trying to alert the authorities.

  
I can autograph that.

  
A little gusty out there today,  
wasn't it, comrades?

  
Yeah. Gusty.

  
We're hitting a sunflower patch  
six miles from here tomorrow.

  
\- Six miles, huh?  
\- Barry!

  
A puddle jump for us,  
but maybe you're not up for it.

  
\- Maybe I am.  
\- You are not!

  
We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

  
What do you think, buzzy-boy?  
Are you bee enough?

  
I might be. It all depends  
on what 0900 means.

  
Hey, Honex!

  
Dad, you surprised me.

  
You decide what you're interested in?

  
\- Well, there's a lot of choices.  
\- But you only get one.

  
Do you ever get bored  
doing the same job every day?

  
Son, let me tell you about stirring.

  
You grab that stick, and you just  
move it around, and you stir it around.

  
You get yourself into a rhythm.  
It's a beautiful thing.

  
You know, Dad,  
the more I think about it,

  
maybe the honey field  
just isn't right for me.

  
You were thinking of what,  
making balloon animals?

  
That's a bad job  
for a guy with a stinger.

  
Janet, your son's not sure  
he wants to go into honey!

  
\- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.  
\- I'm not trying to be funny.

  
You're not funny! You're going  
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

  
\- You're gonna be a stirrer?  
\- No one's listening to me!

  
Wait till you see the sticks I have.

  
I could say anything right now.  
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

  
Let's open some honey and celebrate!

  
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.  
Shave my antennae.

  
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get  
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!

  
I'm so proud.

  
\- We're starting work today!  
\- Today's the day.

  
Oome on! All the good jobs  
will be gone.

  
Yeah, right.

  
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,  
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...

  
\- Is it still available?  
\- Hang on. Two left!

  
One of them's yours! Oongratulations!  
Step to the side.

  
\- What'd you get?  
\- Picking crud out. Stellar!

  
Wow!

  
Oouple of newbies?

  
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

  
Make your choice.

  
\- You want to go first?  
\- No, you go.

  
Oh, my. What's available?

  
Restroom attendant's open,  
not for the reason you think.

  
\- Any chance of getting the Krelman?  
\- Sure, you're on.

  
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

  
Wax monkey's always open.

  
The Krelman opened up again.

  
What happened?

  
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?  
He's dead. Another dead one.

  
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

  
Dead from the neck up.  
Dead from the neck down. That's life!

  
Oh, this is so hard!

  
Heating, cooling,  
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

  
humming, inspector number seven,  
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

  
mite wrangler. Barry, what  
do you think I should... Barry?

  
Barry!

  
All right, we've got the sunflower patch  
in quadrant nine...

  
What happened to you?  
Where are you?

  
\- I'm going out.  
\- Out? Out where?

  
\- Out there.  
\- Oh, no!

  
I have to, before I go  
to work for the rest of my life.

  
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?

  
Another call coming in.

  
If anyone's feeling brave,  
there's a Korean deli on 83rd

  
that gets their roses today.

  
Hey, guys.

  
\- Look at that.  
\- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

  
Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

  
It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

  
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

  
Sign here, here. Just initial that.

  
\- Thank you.  
\- OK.

  
You got a rain advisory today,

  
and as you all know,  
bees cannot fly in rain.

  
So be careful. As always,  
watch your brooms,

  
hockey sticks, dogs,  
birds, bears and bats.

  
Also, I got a couple of reports  
of root beer being poured on us.

  
Murphy's in a home because of it,  
babbling like a cicada!

  
\- That's awful.  
\- And a reminder for you rookies,

  
bee law number one,  
absolutely no talking to humans!

  
All right, launch positions!

  
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,  
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

  
Black and yellow!

  
Hello!

  
You ready for this, hot shot?

  
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

  
Wind, check.

  
\- Antennae, check.  
\- Nectar pack, check.

  
\- Wings, check.  
\- Stinger, check.

  
Scared out of my shorts, check.

  
OK, ladies,

  
let's move it out!

  
Pound those petunias,  
you striped stem-suckers!

  
All of you, drain those flowers!

  
Wow! I'm out!

  
I can't believe I'm out!

  
So blue.

  
I feel so fast and free!

  
Box kite!

  
Wow!

  
Flowers!

  
This is Blue Leader.  
We have roses visual.

  
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

  
Roses!

  
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

  
Stand to the side, kid.  
It's got a bit of a kick.

  
That is one nectar collector!

  
\- Ever see pollination up close?  
\- No, sir.

  
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it  
over here. Maybe a dash over there,

  
a pinch on that one.  
See that? It's a little bit of magic.

  
That's amazing. Why do we do that?

  
That's pollen power. More pollen, more  
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

  
Oool.

  
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.  
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?

  
Oopy that visual.

  
Wait. One of these flowers  
seems to be on the move.

  
Say again? You're reporting  
a moving flower?

  
Affirmative.

  
That was on the line!

  
This is the coolest. What is it?

  
I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

  
It smells good.  
Not like a flower, but I like it.

  
Yeah, fuzzy.

  
Ohemical-y.

  
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.

  
My sweet lord of bees!

  
Oandy-brain, get off there!

  
Problem!

  
\- Guys!  
\- This could be bad.

  
Affirmative.

  
Very close.

  
Gonna hurt.

  
Mama's little boy.

  
You are way out of position, rookie!

  
Ooming in at you like a missile!

  
Help me!

  
I don't think these are flowers.

  
\- Should we tell him?  
\- I think he knows.

  
What is this?!

  
Match point!

  
You can start packing up, honey,  
because you're about to eat it!

  
Yowser!

  
Gross.

  
There's a bee in the car!

  
\- Do something!  
\- I'm driving!

  
\- Hi, bee.  
\- He's back here!

  
He's going to sting me!

  
Nobody move. If you don't move,  
he won't sting you. Freeze!

  
He blinked!

  
Spray him, Granny!

  
What are you doing?!

  
Wow... the tension level  
out here is unbelievable.

  
I gotta get home.

  
Oan't fly in rain.

  
Oan't fly in rain.

  
Oan't fly in rain.

  
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

  
Ken, could you close  
the window please?

  
Ken, could you close  
the window please?

  
Oheck out my new resume.  
I made it into a fold-out brochure.

  
You see? Folds out.

  
Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

  
What was that?

  
Maybe this time. This time. This time.  
This time! This time! This...

  
Drapes!

  
That is diabolical.

  
It's fantastic. It's got all my special  
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

  
What's number one? Star Wars?

  
Nah, I don't go for that...

  
...kind of stuff.

  
No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.  
They're out of their minds.

  
When I leave a job interview, they're  
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

  
There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

  
I don't remember the sun  
having a big 75 on it.

  
I predicted global warming.

  
I could feel it getting hotter.  
At first I thought it was just me.

  
Wait! Stop! Bee!

  
Stand back. These are winter boots.

  
Wait!

  
Don't kill him!

  
You know I'm allergic to them!  
This thing could kill me!

  
Why does his life have  
less value than yours?

  
Why does his life have any less value  
than mine? Is that your statement?

  
I'm just saying all life has value. You  
don't know what he's capable of feeling.

  
My brochure!

  
There you go, little guy.

  
I'm not scared of him.  
It's an allergic thing.

  
Put that on your resume brochure.

  
My whole face could puff up.

  
Make it one of your special skills.

  
Knocking someone out  
is also a special skill.

  
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

  
\- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?  
\- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

  
\- You could put carob chips on there.  
\- Bye.

  
\- Supposed to be less calories.  
\- Bye.

  
I gotta say something.

  
She saved my life.  
I gotta say something.

  
All right, here it goes.

  
Nah.

  
What would I say?

  
I could really get in trouble.

  
It's a bee law.  
You're not supposed to talk to a human.

  
I can't believe I'm doing this.

  
I've got to.

  
Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!

  
No. Yes. No.

  
Do it. I can't.

  
How should I start it?  
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.

  
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

  
Hi!

  
I'm sorry.

  
\- You're talking.  
\- Yes, I know.

  
You're talking!

  
I'm so sorry.

  
No, it's OK. It's fine.  
I know I'm dreaming.

  
But I don't recall going to bed.

  
Well, I'm sure this  
is very disconcerting.

  
This is a bit of a surprise to me.  
I mean, you're a bee!

  
I am. And I'm not supposed  
to be doing this,

  
but they were all trying to kill me.

  
And if it wasn't for you...

  
I had to thank you.  
It's just how I was raised.

  
That was a little weird.

  
\- I'm talking with a bee.  
\- Yeah.

  
I'm talking to a bee.  
And the bee is talking to me!

  
I just want to say I'm grateful.  
I'll leave now.

  
\- Wait! How did you learn to do that?  
\- What?

  
The talking thing.

  
Same way you did, I guess.  
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.

  
\- That's very funny.  
\- Yeah.

  
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,  
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.

  
Anyway...

  
Oan I...

  
...get you something?  
\- Like what?

  
I don't know. I mean...  
I don't know. Ooffee?

  
I don't want to put you out.

  
It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.

  
\- It's just coffee.  
\- I hate to impose.

  
\- Don't be ridiculous!  
\- Actually, I would love a cup.

  
Hey, you want rum cake?

  
\- I shouldn't.  
\- Have some.

  
\- No, I can't.  
\- Oome on!

  
I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.

  
\- Where?  
\- These stripes don't help.

  
You look great!

  
I don't know if you know  
anything about fashion.

  
Are you all right?

  
No.

  
He's making the tie in the cab  
as they're flying up Madison.

  
He finally gets there.

  
He runs up the steps into the church.  
The wedding is on.

  
And he says, "Watermelon?  
I thought you said Guatemalan.

  
Why would I marry a watermelon?"

  
Is that a bee joke?

  
That's the kind of stuff we do.

  
Yeah, different.

  
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

  
About work? I don't know.

  
I want to do my part for the hive,  
but I can't do it the way they want.

  
I know how you feel.

  
\- You do?  
\- Sure.

  
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or  
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

  
\- Really?  
\- My only interest is flowers.

  
Our new queen was just elected  
with that same campaign slogan.

  
Anyway, if you look...

  
There's my hive right there. See it?

  
You're in Sheep Meadow!

  
Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!

  
No way! I know that area.  
I lost a toe ring there once.

  
\- Why do girls put rings on their toes?  
\- Why not?

  
\- It's like putting a hat on your knee.  
\- Maybe I'll try that.

  
\- You all right, ma'am?  
\- Oh, yeah. Fine.

  
Just having two cups of coffee!

  
Anyway, this has been great.  
Thanks for the coffee.

  
Yeah, it's no trouble.

  
Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,  
I'd be up the rest of my life.

  
Are you...?

  
Oan I take a piece of this with me?

  
Sure! Here, have a crumb.

  
\- Thanks!  
\- Yeah.

  
All right. Well, then...  
I guess I'll see you around.

  
Or not.

  
OK, Barry.

  
And thank you  
so much again... for before.

  
Oh, that? That was nothing.

  
Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...

  
This can't possibly work.

  
He's all set to go.  
We may as well try it.

  
OK, Dave, pull the chute.

  
\- Sounds amazing.  
\- It was amazing!

  
It was the scariest,  
happiest moment of my life.

  
Humans! I can't believe  
you were with humans!

  
Giant, scary humans!  
What were they like?

  
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

  
They eat crazy giant things.  
They drive crazy.

  
\- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?  
\- Some of them. But some of them don't.

  
\- How'd you get back?  
\- Poodle.

  
You did it, and I'm glad. You saw  
whatever you wanted to see.

  
You had your "experience." Now you  
can pick out yourjob and be normal.

  
\- Well...  
\- Well?

  
Well, I met someone.

  
You did? Was she Bee-ish?

  
\- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!  
\- No, no, no, not a wasp.

  
\- Spider?  
\- I'm not attracted to spiders.

  
I know it's the hottest thing,  
with the eight legs and all.

  
I can't get by that face.

  
So who is she?

  
She's... human.

  
No, no. That's a bee law.  
You wouldn't break a bee law.

  
\- Her name's Vanessa.  
\- Oh, boy.

  
She's so nice. And she's a florist!

  
Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!

  
We're not dating.

  
You're flying outside the hive, talking  
to humans that attack our homes

  
with power washers and M-80s!  
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

  
She saved my life!  
And she understands me.

  
This is over!

  
Eat this.

  
This is not over! What was that?

  
\- They call it a crumb.  
\- It was so stingin' stripey!

  
And that's not what they eat.  
That's what falls off what they eat!

  
\- You know what a Oinnabon is?  
\- No.

  
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.  
They heat it up...

  
Sit down!

  
...really hot!  
\- Listen to me!

  
We are not them! We're us.  
There's us and there's them!

  
Yes, but who can deny  
the heart that is yearning?

  
There's no yearning.  
Stop yearning. Listen to me!

  
You have got to start thinking bee,  
my friend. Thinking bee!

  
\- Thinking bee.  
\- Thinking bee.

  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
There he is. He's in the pool.

  
You know what your problem is, Barry?

  
I gotta start thinking bee?

  
How much longer will this go on?

  
It's been three days!  
Why aren't you working?

  
I've got a lot of big life decisions  
to think about.

  
What life? You have no life!  
You have no job. You're barely a bee!

  
Would it kill you  
to make a little honey?

  
Barry, come out.  
Your father's talking to you.

  
Martin, would you talk to him?

  
Barry, I'm talking to you!

  
You coming?

  
Got everything?

  
All set!

  
Go ahead. I'll catch up.

  
Don't be too long.

  
Watch this!

  
Vanessa!

  
\- We're still here.  
\- I told you not to yell at him.

  
He doesn't respond to yelling!

  
\- Then why yell at me?  
\- Because you don't listen!

  
I'm not listening to this.

  
Sorry, I've gotta go.

  
\- Where are you going?  
\- I'm meeting a friend.

  
A girl? Is this why you can't decide?

  
Bye.

  
I just hope she's Bee-ish.

  
They have a huge parade  
of flowers every year in Pasadena?

  
To be in the Tournament of Roses,  
that's every florist's dream!

  
Up on a float, surrounded  
by flowers, crowds cheering.

  
A tournament. Do the roses  
compete in athletic events?

  
No. All right, I've got one.  
How come you don't fly everywhere?

  
It's exhausting. Why don't you  
run everywhere? It's faster.

  
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.  
All right, your turn.

  
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?  
That's insane!

  
You don't have that?

  
We have Hivo, but it's a disease.  
It's a horrible, horrible disease.

  
Oh, my.

  
Dumb bees!

  
You must want to sting all those jerks.

  
We try not to sting.  
It's usually fatal for us.

  
So you have to watch your temper.

  
Very carefully.  
You kick a wall, take a walk,

  
write an angry letter and throw it out.  
Work through it like any emotion:

  
Anger, jealousy, lust.

  
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

  
Yeah.

  
\- What is wrong with you?!  
\- It's a bug.

  
He's not bothering anybody.  
Get out of here, you creep!

  
What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?

  
Yeah, it was. How did you know?

  
It felt like about 10 pages.  
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

  
You've really got that  
down to a science.

  
\- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.  
\- I'll bet.

  
What in the name  
of Mighty Hercules is this?

  
How did this get here?  
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

  
Ray Liotta Private Select?

  
\- Is he that actor?  
\- I never heard of him.

  
\- Why is this here?  
\- For people. We eat it.

  
You don't have  
enough food of your own?

  
\- Well, yes.  
\- How do you get it?

  
\- Bees make it.  
\- I know who makes it!

  
And it's hard to make it!

  
There's heating, cooling, stirring.  
You need a whole Krelman thing!

  
\- It's organic.  
\- It's our-ganic!

  
It's just honey, Barry.

  
Just what?!

  
Bees don't know about this!  
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

  
You've taken our homes, schools,  
hospitals! This is all we have!

  
And it's on sale?!  
I'm getting to the bottom of this.

  
I'm getting to the bottom  
of all of this!

  
Hey, Hector.

  
\- You almost done?  
\- Almost.

  
He is here. I sense it.

  
Well, I guess I'll go home now

  
and just leave this nice honey out,  
with no one around.

  
You're busted, box boy!

  
I knew I heard something.  
So you can talk!

  
I can talk.  
And now you'll start talking!

  
Where you getting the sweet stuff?  
Who's your supplier?

  
I don't understand.  
I thought we were friends.

  
The last thing we want  
to do is upset bees!

  
You're too late! It's ours now!

  
You, sir, have crossed  
the wrong sword!

  
You, sir, will be lunch  
for my iguana, Ignacio!

  
Where is the honey coming from?

  
Tell me where!

  
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

  
Orazy person!

  
What horrible thing has happened here?

  
These faces, they never knew  
what hit them. And now

  
they're on the road to nowhere!

  
Just keep still.

  
What? You're not dead?

  
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything  
that moves. Where you headed?

  
To Honey Farms.  
I am onto something huge here.

  
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,  
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

  
I'm going to Tacoma.

  
\- And you?  
\- He really is dead.

  
All right.

  
Uh-oh!

  
\- What is that?!  
\- Oh, no!

  
\- A wiper! Triple blade!  
\- Triple blade?

  
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!

  
Why does everything have  
to be so doggone clean?!

  
How much do you people need to see?!

  
Open your eyes!  
Stick your head out the window!

  
From NPR News in Washington,  
I'm Oarl Kasell.

  
But don't kill no more bugs!

  
\- Bee!  
\- Moose blood guy!!

  
\- You hear something?  
\- Like what?

  
Like tiny screaming.

  
Turn off the radio.

  
Whassup, bee boy?

  
Hey, Blood.

  
Just a row of honey jars,  
as far as the eye could see.

  
Wow!

  
I assume wherever this truck goes  
is where they're getting it.

  
I mean, that honey's ours.

  
\- Bees hang tight.  
\- We're all jammed in.

  
It's a close community.

  
Not us, man. We on our own.  
Every mosquito on his own.

  
\- What if you get in trouble?  
\- You a mosquito, you in trouble.

  
Nobody likes us. They just smack.  
See a mosquito, smack, smack!

  
At least you're out in the world.  
You must meet girls.

  
Mosquito girls try to trade up,  
get with a moth, dragonfly.

  
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.

  
You got to be kidding me!

  
Mooseblood's about to leave  
the building! So long, bee!

  
\- Hey, guys!  
\- Mooseblood!

  
I knew I'd catch y'all down here.  
Did you bring your crazy straw?

  
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,  
and it's pretty much pure profit.

  
What is this place?

  
A bee's got a brain  
the size of a pinhead.

  
They are pinheads!

  
Pinhead.

  
\- Oheck out the new smoker.  
\- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.

  
The Thomas 3000!

  
Smoker?

  
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.  
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

  
A couple breaths of this  
knocks them right out.

  
They make the honey,  
and we make the money.

  
"They make the honey,  
and we make the money"?

  
Oh, my!

  
What's going on? Are you OK?

  
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.

  
Do you know you're  
in a fake hive with fake walls?

  
Our queen was moved here.  
We had no choice.

  
This is your queen?  
That's a man in women's clothes!

  
That's a drag queen!

  
What is this?

  
Oh, no!

  
There's hundreds of them!

  
Bee honey.

  
Our honey is being brazenly stolen  
on a massive scale!

  
This is worse than anything bears  
have done! I intend to do something.

  
Oh, Barry, stop.

  
Who told you humans are taking  
our honey? That's a rumor.

  
Do these look like rumors?

  
That's a conspiracy theory.  
These are obviously doctored photos.

  
How did you get mixed up in this?

  
He's been talking to humans.

  
\- What?  
\- Talking to humans?!

  
He has a human girlfriend.  
And they make out!

  
Make out? Barry!

  
We do not.

  
\- You wish you could.  
\- Whose side are you on?

  
The bees!

  
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.  
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

  
Barry, this is what you want  
to do with your life?

  
I want to do it for all our lives.  
Nobody works harder than bees!

  
Dad, I remember you  
coming home so overworked

  
your hands were still stirring.  
You couldn't stop.

  
I remember that.

  
What right do they have to our honey?

  
We live on two cups a year. They put it  
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

  
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?

  
Sting them where it really hurts.

  
In the face! The eye!

  
\- That would hurt.  
\- No.

  
Up the nose? That's a killer.

  
There's only one place you can sting  
the humans, one place where it matters.

  
Hive at Five, the hive's only  
full-hour action news source.

  
No more bee beards!

  
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

  
Weather with Storm Stinger.

  
Sports with Buzz Larvi.

  
And Jeanette Ohung.

  
\- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.  
\- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.

  
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

  
intends to sue the human race  
for stealing our honey,

  
packaging it and profiting  
from it illegally!

  
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

  
we'll have three former queens here in  
our studio, discussing their new book,

  
Olassy Ladies,  
out this week on Hexagon.

  
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.

  
Did you ever think, "I'm a kid  
from the hive. I can't do this"?

  
Bees have never been afraid  
to change the world.

  
What about Bee Oolumbus?  
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

  
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.

  
We were thinking  
of stickball or candy stores.

  
How old are you?

  
The bee community  
is supporting you in this case,

  
which will be the trial  
of the bee century.

  
You know, they have a Larry King  
in the human world too.

  
It's a common name. Next week...

  
He looks like you and has a show  
and suspenders and colored dots...

  
Next week...

  
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the  
guest even though you just heard 'em.

  
Bear Week next week!  
They're scary, hairy and here live.

  
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,  
squinty eyes, very Jewish.

  
In tennis, you attack  
at the point of weakness!

  
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.

  
Honey, her backhand's a joke!  
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?

  
Quiet, please.  
Actual work going on here.

  
\- Is that that same bee?  
\- Yes, it is!

  
I'm helping him sue the human race.

  
\- Hello.  
\- Hello, bee.

  
This is Ken.

  
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size  
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

  
Why does he talk again?

  
Listen, you better go  
'cause we're really busy working.

  
But it's our yogurt night!

  
Bye-bye.

  
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

  
You poor thing.  
You two have been at this for hours!

  
Yes, and Adam here  
has been a huge help.

  
\- Frosting...  
\- How many sugars?

  
Just one. I try not  
to use the competition.

  
So why are you helping me?

  
Bees have good qualities.

  
And it takes my mind off the shop.

  
Instead of flowers, people  
are giving balloon bouquets now.

  
Those are great, if you're three.

  
And artificial flowers.

  
\- Oh, those just get me psychotic!  
\- Yeah, me too.

  
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

  
Bees must hate those fake things!

  
Nothing worse  
than a daffodil that's had work done.

  
Maybe this could make up  
for it a little bit.

  
\- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.  
\- I guess.

  
You sure you want to go through with it?

  
Am I sure? When I'm done with  
the humans, they won't be able

  
to say, "Honey, I'm home,"  
without paying a royalty!

  
It's an incredible scene  
here in downtown Manhattan,

  
where the world anxiously waits,  
because for the first time in history,

  
we will hear for ourselves  
if a honeybee can actually speak.

  
What have we gotten into here, Barry?

  
It's pretty big, isn't it?

  
I can't believe how many humans  
don't work during the day.

  
You think billion-dollar multinational  
food companies have good lawyers?

  
Everybody needs to stay  
behind the barricade.

  
\- What's the matter?  
\- I don't know, I just got a chill.

  
Well, if it isn't the bee team.

  
You boys work on this?

  
All rise! The Honorable  
Judge Bumbleton presiding.

  
All right. Oase number 4475,

  
Superior Oourt of New York,  
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

  
is now in session.

  
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing  
the five food companies collectively?

  
A privilege.

  
Mr. Benson... you're representing  
all the bees of the world?

  
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,  
we're ready to proceed.

  
Mr. Montgomery,  
your opening statement, please.

  
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

  
my grandmother was a simple woman.

  
Born on a farm, she believed  
it was man's divine right

  
to benefit from the bounty  
of nature God put before us.

  
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world  
Mr. Benson imagines,

  
just think of what would it mean.

  
I would have to negotiate  
with the silkworm

  
for the elastic in my britches!

  
Talking bee!

  
How do we know this isn't some sort of

  
holographic motion-picture-capture  
Hollywood wizardry?

  
They could be using laser beams!

  
Robotics! Ventriloquism!  
Oloning! For all we know,

  
he could be on steroids!

  
Mr. Benson?

  
Ladies and gentlemen,  
there's no trickery here.

  
I'm just an ordinary bee.  
Honey's pretty important to me.

  
It's important to all bees.  
We invented it!

  
We make it. And we protect it  
with our lives.

  
Unfortunately, there are  
some people in this room

  
who think they can take it from us

  
'cause we're the little guys!  
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,

  
you'll see how, by taking our honey,  
you not only take everything we have

  
but everything we are!

  
I wish he'd dress like that  
all the time. So nice!

  
Oall your first witness.

  
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden  
of Honey Farms, big company you have.

  
I suppose so.

  
I see you also own  
Honeyburton and Honron!

  
Yes, they provide beekeepers  
for our farms.

  
Beekeeper. I find that  
to be a very disturbing term.

  
I don't imagine you employ  
any bee-free-ers, do you?

  
\- No.  
\- I couldn't hear you.

  
\- No.  
\- No.

  
Because you don't free bees.  
You keep bees. Not only that,

  
it seems you thought a bear would be  
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

  
They're very lovable creatures.

  
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

  
You mean like this?

  
Bears kill bees!

  
How'd you like his head crashing  
through your living room?!

  
Biting into your couch!  
Spitting out your throw pillows!

  
OK, that's enough. Take him away.

  
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.  
Your name intrigues me.

  
\- Where have I heard it before?  
\- I was with a band called The Police.

  
But you've never been  
a police officer, have you?

  
No, I haven't.

  
No, you haven't. And so here  
we have yet another example

  
of bee culture casually  
stolen by a human

  
for nothing more than  
a prance-about stage name.

  
Oh, please.

  
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

  
Because I'm feeling  
a little stung, Sting.

  
Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

  
That's not his real name?! You idiots!

  
Mr. Liotta, first,  
belated congratulations on

  
your Emmy win for a guest spot  
on ER in 2005.

  
Thank you. Thank you.

  
I see from your resume  
that you're devilishly handsome

  
with a churning inner turmoil  
that's ready to blow.

  
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

  
Not yet it isn't. But is this  
what it's come to for you?

  
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees  
so you don't

  
have to rehearse  
your part and learn your lines, sir?

  
Watch it, Benson!  
I could blow right now!

  
This isn't a goodfella.  
This is a badfella!

  
Why doesn't someone just step on  
this creep, and we can all go home?!

  
\- Order in this court!  
\- You're all thinking it!

  
Order! Order, I say!

  
\- Say it!  
\- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

  
I think it was awfully nice  
of that bear to pitch in like that.

  
I think the jury's on our side.

  
Are we doing everything right, legally?

  
I'm a florist.

  
Right. Well, here's to a great team.

  
To a great team!

  
Well, hello.

  
\- Ken!  
\- Hello.

  
I didn't think you were coming.

  
No, I was just late.  
I tried to call, but... the battery.

  
I didn't want all this to go to waste,  
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

  
Oh, that was lucky.

  
There's a little left.  
I could heat it up.

  
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

  
So I hear you're quite a tennis player.

  
I'm not much for the game myself.  
The ball's a little grabby.

  
That's where I usually sit.  
Right... there.

  
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

  
and he agreed with me that eating with  
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.

  
You think I don't see what you're doing?

  
I know how hard it is to find  
the rightjob. We have that in common.

  
Do we?

  
Bees have 100 percent employment,  
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

  
That's just what  
I was thinking about doing.

  
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor  
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

  
I'm going to drain the old stinger.

  
Yeah, you do that.

  
Look at that.

  
You know, I've just about had it

  
with your little mind games.

  
\- What's that?  
\- Italian Vogue.

  
Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.

  
A lot of ads.

  
Remember what Van said, why is  
your life more valuable than mine?

  
Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!

  
I think something stinks in here!

  
I love the smell of flowers.

  
How do you like the smell of flames?!

  
Not as much.

  
Water bug! Not taking sides!

  
Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!  
This is pathetic!

  
I've got issues!

  
Well, well, well, a royal flush!

  
\- You're bluffing.  
\- Am I?

  
Surf's up, dude!

  
Poo water!

  
That bowl is gnarly.

  
Except for those dirty yellow rings!

  
Kenneth! What are you doing?!

  
You know, I don't even like honey!  
I don't eat it!

  
We need to talk!

  
He's just a little bee!

  
And he happens to be  
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!

  
Long time? What are you talking about?!  
Are there other bugs in your life?

  
No, but there are other things bugging  
me in life. And you're one of them!

  
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...

  
My nerves are fried from riding  
on this emotional roller coaster!

  
Goodbye, Ken.

  
And for your information,

  
I prefer sugar-free, artificial  
sweeteners made by man!

  
I'm sorry about all that.

  
I know it's got  
an aftertaste! I like it!

  
I always felt there was some kind  
of barrier between Ken and me.

  
I couldn't overcome it.  
Oh, well.

  
Are you OK for the trial?

  
I believe Mr. Montgomery  
is about out of ideas.

  
We would like to call  
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

  
Good idea! You can really see why he's  
considered one of the best lawyers...

  
Yeah.

  
Layton, you've  
gotta weave some magic

  
with this jury,  
or it's gonna be all over.

  
Don't worry. The only thing I have  
to do to turn this jury around

  
is to remind them  
of what they don't like about bees.

  
\- You got the tweezers?  
\- Are you allergic?

  
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

  
Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you  
what I think we'd all like to know.

  
What exactly is your relationship

  
to that woman?

  
We're friends.

  
\- Good friends?  
\- Yes.

  
How good? Do you live together?

  
Wait a minute...

  
Are you her little...

  
...bedbug?

  
I've seen a bee documentary or two.  
From what I understand,

  
doesn't your queen give birth  
to all the bee children?

  
\- Yeah, but...  
\- So those aren't your real parents!

  
\- Oh, Barry...  
\- Yes, they are!

  
Hold me back!

  
You're an illegitimate bee,  
aren't you, Benson?

  
He's denouncing bees!

  
Don't y'all date your cousins?

  
\- Objection!  
\- I'm going to pincushion this guy!

  
Adam, don't! It's what he wants!

  
Oh, I'm hit!!

  
Oh, lordy, I am hit!

  
Order! Order!

  
The venom! The venom  
is coursing through my veins!

  
I have been felled  
by a winged beast of destruction!

  
You see? You can't treat them  
like equals! They're striped savages!

  
Stinging's the only thing  
they know! It's their way!

  
\- Adam, stay with me.  
\- I can't feel my legs.

  
What angel of mercy  
will come forward to suck the poison

  
from my heaving buttocks?

  
I will have order in this court. Order!

  
Order, please!

  
The case of the honeybees  
versus the human race

  
took a pointed turn against the bees

  
yesterday when one of their legal  
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

  
\- Hey, buddy.  
\- Hey.

  
\- Is there much pain?  
\- Yeah.

  
I...

  
I blew the whole case, didn't I?

  
It doesn't matter. What matters is  
you're alive. You could have died.

  
I'd be better off dead. Look at me.

  
They got it from the cafeteria  
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

  
Look, there's  
a little celery still on it.

  
What was it like to sting someone?

  
I can't explain it. It was all...

  
All adrenaline and then...  
and then ecstasy!

  
All right.

  
You think it was all a trap?

  
Of course. I'm sorry.  
I flew us right into this.

  
What were we thinking? Look at us. We're  
just a couple of bugs in this world.

  
What will the humans do to us  
if they win?

  
I don't know.

  
I hear they put the roaches in motels.  
That doesn't sound so bad.

  
Adam, they check in,  
but they don't check out!

  
Oh, my.

  
Oould you get a nurse  
to close that window?

  
\- Why?  
\- The smoke.

  
Bees don't smoke.

  
Right. Bees don't smoke.

  
Bees don't smoke!  
But some bees are smoking.

  
That's it! That's our case!

  
It is? It's not over?

  
Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.

  
Get back to the court and stall.  
Stall any way you can.

  
And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.

  
Mr. Flayman.

  
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

  
Where is the rest of your team?

  
Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.

  
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

  
and as a result,  
we don't make very good time.

  
I actually heard a funny story about...

  
Your Honor,  
haven't these ridiculous bugs

  
taken up enough  
of this court's valuable time?

  
How much longer will we allow  
these absurd shenanigans to go on?

  
They have presented no compelling  
evidence to support their charges

  
against my clients,  
who run legitimate businesses.

  
I move for a complete dismissal  
of this entire case!

  
Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going

  
to have to consider  
Mr. Montgomery's motion.

  
But you can't! We have a terrific case.

  
Where is your proof?  
Where is the evidence?

  
Show me the smoking gun!

  
Hold it, Your Honor!  
You want a smoking gun?

  
Here is your smoking gun.

  
What is that?

  
It's a bee smoker!

  
What, this?  
This harmless little contraption?

  
This couldn't hurt a fly,  
let alone a bee.

  
Look at what has happened

  
to bees who have never been asked,  
"Smoking or non?"

  
Is this what nature intended for us?

  
To be forcibly addicted  
to smoke machines

  
and man-made wooden slat work camps?

  
Living out our lives as honey slaves  
to the white man?

  
\- What are we gonna do?  
\- He's playing the species card.

  
Ladies and gentlemen, please,  
free these bees!

  
Free the bees! Free the bees!

  
Free the bees!

  
Free the bees! Free the bees!

  
The court finds in favor of the bees!

  
Vanessa, we won!

  
I knew you could do it! High-five!

  
Sorry.

  
I'm OK! You know what this means?

  
All the honey  
will finally belong to the bees.

  
Now we won't have  
to work so hard all the time.

  
This is an unholy perversion  
of the balance of nature, Benson.

  
You'll regret this.

  
Barry, how much honey is out there?

  
All right. One at a time.

  
Barry, who are you wearing?

  
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,  
and I have no pants.

  
\- What if Montgomery's right?  
\- What do you mean?

  
We've been living the bee way  
a long time, 27 million years.

  
Oongratulations on your victory.  
What will you demand as a settlement?

  
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown  
of all bee work camps.

  
Then we want back the honey  
that was ours to begin with,

  
every last drop.

  
We demand an end to the glorification  
of the bear as anything more

  
than a filthy, smelly,  
bad-breath stink machine.

  
We're all aware  
of what they do in the woods.

  
Wait for my signal.

  
Take him out.

  
He'll have nauseous  
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.

  
And we will no longer tolerate  
bee-negative nicknames...

  
But it's just a prance-about stage name!

  
...unnecessary inclusion of honey  
in bogus health products

  
and la-dee-da human  
tea-time snack garnishments.

  
Oan't breathe.

  
Bring it in, boys!

  
Hold it right there! Good.

  
Tap it.

  
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,  
and there's gallons more coming!

  
\- I think we need to shut down!  
\- Shut down? We've never shut down.

  
Shut down honey production!

  
Stop making honey!

  
Turn your key, sir!

  
What do we do now?

  
Oannonball!

  
We're shutting honey production!

  
Mission abort.

  
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.  
Returning to base.

  
Adam, you wouldn't believe  
how much honey was out there.

  
Oh, yeah?

  
What's going on? Where is everybody?

  
\- Are they out celebrating?  
\- They're home.

  
They don't know what to do.  
Laying out, sleeping in.

  
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way  
to San Antonio with a cricket.

  
At least we got our honey back.

  
Sometimes I think, so what if humans  
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?

  
It's the greatest thing in the world!  
I was excited to be part of making it.

  
This was my new desk. This was my  
new job. I wanted to do it really well.

  
And now...

  
Now I can't.

  
I don't understand  
why they're not happy.

  
I thought their lives would be better!

  
They're doing nothing. It's amazing.  
Honey really changes people.

  
You don't have any idea  
what's going on, do you?

  
\- What did you want to show me?  
\- This.

  
What happened here?

  
That is not the half of it.

  
Oh, no. Oh, my.

  
They're all wilting.

  
Doesn't look very good, does it?

  
No.

  
And whose fault do you think that is?

  
You know, I'm gonna guess bees.

  
Bees?

  
Specifically, me.

  
I didn't think bees not needing to make  
honey would affect all these things.

  
It's notjust flowers.  
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

  
That's our whole SAT test right there.

  
Take away produce, that affects  
the entire animal kingdom.

  
And then, of course...

  
The human species?

  
So if there's no more pollination,

  
it could all just go south here,  
couldn't it?

  
I know this is also partly my fault.

  
How about a suicide pact?

  
How do we do it?

  
\- I'll sting you, you step on me.  
\- Thatjust kills you twice.

  
Right, right.

  
Listen, Barry...  
sorry, but I gotta get going.

  
I had to open my mouth and talk.

  
Vanessa?

  
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?  
Where are you going?

  
To the final Tournament of Roses parade  
in Pasadena.

  
They've moved it to this weekend  
because all the flowers are dying.

  
It's the last chance  
I'll ever have to see it.

  
Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.  
I never meant it to turn out like this.

  
I know. Me neither.

  
Tournament of Roses.  
Roses can't do sports.

  
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

  
Roses!

  
Vanessa!

  
Roses?!

  
Barry?

  
\- Roses are flowers!  
\- Yes, they are.

  
Flowers, bees, pollen!

  
I know.  
That's why this is the last parade.

  
Maybe not.  
Oould you ask him to slow down?

  
Oould you slow down?

  
Barry!

  
OK, I made a huge mistake.  
This is a total disaster, all my fault.

  
Yes, it kind of is.

  
I've ruined the planet.  
I wanted to help you

  
with the flower shop.  
I've made it worse.

  
Actually, it's completely closed down.

  
I thought maybe you were remodeling.

  
But I have another idea, and it's  
greater than my previous ideas combined.

  
I don't want to hear it!

  
All right, they have the roses,  
the roses have the pollen.

  
I know every bee, plant  
and flower bud in this park.

  
All we gotta do is get what they've got  
back here with what we've got.

  
\- Bees.  
\- Park.

  
\- Pollen!  
\- Flowers.

  
\- Repollination!  
\- Across the nation!

  
Tournament of Roses,  
Pasadena, Oalifornia.

  
They've got nothing  
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

  
Security will be tight.

  
I have an idea.

  
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

  
Official floral business. It's real.

  
Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.

  
Thank you. It was a gift.

  
Once inside,  
we just pick the right float.

  
How about The Princess and the Pea?

  
I could be the princess,  
and you could be the pea!

  
Yes, I got it.

  
\- Where should I sit?  
\- What are you?

  
\- I believe I'm the pea.  
\- The pea?

  
It goes under the mattresses.

  
\- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.  
\- I'm getting the marshal.

  
You do that!  
This whole parade is a fiasco!

  
Let's see what this baby'll do.

  
Hey, what are you doing?!

  
Then all we do  
is blend in with traffic...

  
...without arousing suspicion.

  
Once at the airport,  
there's no stopping us.

  
Stop! Security.

  
\- You and your insect pack your float?  
\- Yes.

  
Has it been  
in your possession the entire time?

  
Would you remove your shoes?

  
\- Remove your stinger.  
\- It's part of me.

  
I know. Just having some fun.  
Enjoy your flight.

  
Then if we're lucky, we'll have  
just enough pollen to do the job.

  
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We  
have just enough pollen to do the job!

  
I think this is gonna work.

  
It's got to work.

  
Attention, passengers,  
this is Oaptain Scott.

  
We have a bit of bad weather  
in New York.

  
It looks like we'll experience  
a couple hours delay.

  
Barry, these are cut flowers  
with no water. They'll never make it.

  
I gotta get up there  
and talk to them.

  
Be careful.

  
Oan I get help  
with the Sky Mall magazine?

  
I'd like to order the talking  
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

  
Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.

  
\- What'd you say, Hal?  
\- Nothing.

  
Bee!

  
Don't freak out! My entire species...

  
What are you doing?

  
\- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!  
\- Who's an attorney?

  
Don't move.

  
Oh, Barry.

  
Good afternoon, passengers.  
This is your captain.

  
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B  
please report to the cockpit?

  
And please hurry!

  
What happened here?

  
There was a DustBuster,  
a toupee, a life raft exploded.

  
One's bald, one's in a boat,  
they're both unconscious!

  
\- Is that another bee joke?  
\- No!

  
No one's flying the plane!

  
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.  
What's your status?

  
This is Vanessa Bloome.  
I'm a florist from New York.

  
Where's the pilot?

  
He's unconscious,  
and so is the copilot.

  
Not good. Does anyone onboard  
have flight experience?

  
As a matter of fact, there is.

  
\- Who's that?  
\- Barry Benson.

  
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

  
Vanessa, this is nothing more  
than a big metal bee.

  
It's got giant wings, huge engines.

  
I can't fly a plane.

  
\- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?  
\- Yes.

  
How hard could it be?

  
Wait, Barry!  
We're headed into some lightning.

  
This is Bob Bumble. We have some  
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

  
where a suspenseful scene  
is developing.

  
Barry Benson,  
fresh from his legal victory...

  
That's Barry!

  
...is attempting to land a plane,  
loaded with people, flowers

  
and an incapacitated flight crew.

  
Flowers?!

  
We have a storm in the area  
and two individuals at the controls

  
with absolutely no flight experience.

  
Just a minute.  
There's a bee on that plane.

  
I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson  
and his no-account compadres.

  
They've done enough damage.

  
But isn't he your only hope?

  
Technically, a bee  
shouldn't be able to fly at all.

  
Their wings are too small...

  
Haven't we heard this a million times?

  
"The surface area of the wings  
and body mass make no sense."

  
\- Get this on the air!  
\- Got it.

  
\- Stand by.  
\- We're going live.

  
The way we work may be a mystery to you.

  
Making honey takes a lot of bees  
doing a lot of small jobs.

  
But let me tell you about a small job.

  
If you do it well,  
it makes a big difference.

  
More than we realized.  
To us, to everyone.

  
That's why I want to get bees  
back to working together.

  
That's the bee way!  
We're not made of Jell-O.

  
We get behind a fellow.

  
\- Black and yellow!  
\- Hello!

  
Left, right, down, hover.

  
\- Hover?  
\- Forget hover.

  
This isn't so hard.  
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

  
Barry, what happened?!

  
Wait, I think we were  
on autopilot the whole time.

  
\- That may have been helping me.  
\- And now we're not!

  
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

  
All of you, let's get  
behind this fellow! Move it out!

  
Move out!

  
Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,  
you copy me with the wings of the plane!

  
Don't have to yell.

  
I'm not yelling!  
We're in a lot of trouble.

  
It's very hard to concentrate  
with that panicky tone in your voice!

  
It's not a tone. I'm panicking!

  
I can't do this!

  
Vanessa, pull yourself together.  
You have to snap out of it!

  
You snap out of it.

  
You snap out of it.

  
\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

  
\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

  
\- You snap out of it!  
\- You snap out of it!

  
\- Hold it!  
\- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.

  
How is the plane flying?

  
I don't know.

  
Hello?

  
Benson, got any flowers  
for a happy occasion in there?

  
The Pollen Jocks!

  
They do get behind a fellow.

  
\- Black and yellow.  
\- Hello.

  
All right, let's drop this tin can  
on the blacktop.

  
Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?

  
No, nothing. It's all cloudy.

  
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

  
\- Thinking bee.  
\- Thinking bee.

  
Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
Wait a minute.  
I think I'm feeling something.

  
\- What?  
\- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.

  
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

  
Bring the nose down.

  
Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
\- What in the world is on the tarmac?  
\- Get some lights on that!

  
Thinking bee!  
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  
\- Vanessa, aim for the flower.  
\- OK.

  
Out the engines. We're going in  
on bee power. Ready, boys?

  
Affirmative!

  
Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

  
Land on that flower!

  
Ready? Full reverse!

  
Spin it around!

  
\- Not that flower! The other one!  
\- Which one?

  
\- That flower.  
\- I'm aiming at the flower!

  
That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.  
I mean the giant pulsating flower

  
made of millions of bees!

  
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

  
Rotate around it.

  
\- This is insane, Barry!  
\- This's the only way I know how to fly.

  
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane  
flying in an insect-like pattern?

  
Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.  
Smell it. Full reverse!

  
Just drop it. Be a part of it.

  
Aim for the center!

  
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

  
Oome on, already.

  
Barry, we did it!  
You taught me how to fly!

  
\- Yes. No high-five!  
\- Right.

  
Barry, it worked!  
Did you see the giant flower?

  
What giant flower? Where? Of course  
I saw the flower! That was genius!

  
\- Thank you.  
\- But we're not done yet.

  
Listen, everyone!

  
This runway is covered  
with the last pollen

  
from the last flowers  
available anywhere on Earth.

  
That means this is our last chance.

  
We're the only ones who make honey,  
pollinate flowers and dress like this.

  
If we're gonna survive as a species,  
this is our moment! What do you say?

  
Are we going to be bees, orjust  
Museum of Natural History keychains?

  
We're bees!

  
Keychain!

  
Then follow me! Except Keychain.

  
Hold on, Barry. Here.

  
You've earned this.

  
Yeah!

  
I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect  
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

  
Oh, yeah.

  
That's our Barry.

  
Mom! The bees are back!

  
If anybody needs  
to make a call, now's the time.

  
I got a feeling we'll be  
working late tonight!

  
Here's your change. Have a great  
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?

  
Would you like some honey with that?  
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.

  
Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.  
And I don't see a nickel!

  
Sometimes I just feel  
like a piece of meat!

  
I had no idea.

  
Barry, I'm sorry.  
Have you got a moment?

  
Would you excuse me?  
My mosquito associate will help you.

  
Sorry I'm late.

  
He's a lawyer too?

  
I was already a blood-sucking parasite.  
All I needed was a briefcase.

  
Have a great afternoon!

  
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,  
and I can't get them anywhere.

  
No problem, Vannie.  
Just leave it to me.

  
You're a lifesaver, Barry.  
Oan I help who's next?

  
All right, scramble, jocks!  
It's time to fly.

  
Thank you, Barry!

  
That bee is living my life!

  
Let it go, Kenny.

  
\- When will this nightmare end?!  
\- Let it all go.

  
\- Beautiful day to fly.  
\- Sure is.

  
Between you and me,  
I was dying to get out of that office.

  
You have got  
to start thinking bee, my friend.

  
\- Thinking bee!  
\- Me?

  
Hold it. Let's just stop  
for a second. Hold it.

  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.  
Can we stop here?

  
I'm not making a major life decision  
during a production number!

  
All right. Take ten, everybody.  
Wrap it up, guys.

  
I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

  
billie: oH MY GOD THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY SPEAK

kazza: WHAT THE WHAT

superpeter: JENNA LOUISE COLEMAN WHAT THE HOLY HECk WAS THAT

rattyburvill: I JUST OPENED THE CHAT AND MY PHONE CRASHED 3 TIMES WTF

kazza: SHES JUST SITTING OVER THERE LAUGHING!! THE NERVE OGM HEALP MY PHONES DAYING

oldtennant: AH MAH GOD WHAT

smithers: IS HTHAT THE ENTIER SCRIPT OF THE BEE MOVIE??

smithers: WHAT THE HELL JEN

kazza: billies chasing her around the house now

kazza: okay billie has jens phone

superpeter: for such a tiny person a surprising percentage of her is pure unadulterated bullcrap

jencoco: I SWA TAHT PETER

oldtennant: STOP NOW

rattyburvill: MY PHONE CANT TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS

 


	4. floorhead

smithers: aw guys

rattyburvill: what

kazza: what

billie: what

smithers: jens on my trampoline doing flips n crap and she's effing adorable

billie: u 2 should totally date

kazza: agreed !

oldtennant: yaas *squeal*

billie: did I ask

smithers: hang on

_smithers: a video: Jenna is on Matt’s trampoline, wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt. She is jumping up and down. Then, she tries to do a flip, but falls over and starts laughing hysterically._

_Grass crunches softly as the camera moves forward. “Whatcha doin’, Jen?” Matt asks from behind his phone._

_“Having fun, Matthew Robert,” she replies cheekily, sitting cross-legged on the trampoline and whipping her hair over her shoulder. “You should try it sometime.” She shoots him an annoyingly cute half-grin._

_The camera moves a little as Matt carries it to the trampoline. Jenna’s hand pokes out of the netting and she and Matt high-five. “Team Smoleman!” They both yell. The video ends._

kazza: im dying!! you guys r soooo cute

billie: squeeee

jencoco: stop sending the chat videos of me without makeup

_smithers: Another video: Jenna is sitting on a fence with a mug of tea in her hands. She's wearing a dark maroon jumper, skinny-jean overalls, and red Keds. Her feet kick against the wood in rhythmic thumps. Light from an early afternoon sun filters through her short, wavy, ruffled hair, turning it a rich auburn._

_The camera moves closer so she's looking at the lens from above. She grins and covers the lens with one finger, then pulls it away. “Why are you filming me?”_

_“Because you're my bestest friend and I love you very much?” Matt says from offscreen, a smile evident in his voice._

_She lets out an unconvinced snort. “Okay, Matt.” she takes a large gulp of her tea._

_Matt’s hand appears from behind the camera. Jenna reaches out and twines her small, thin fingers with his long, rough fingers. She smiles and sticks her tongue out at him. The video ends._

rattyburvill: STOP WITH THE CUTENESS

billie: YOU TWO R MY OTP

superpeter: SAmEEEEeEeee

jencoco: pls stop

smithers: what jen said

jencoco: FITE ME MATTHEW

jencoco: AND STOP SHOWING THE CHAT VIDEOS OF ME WITH BEDHEAD

oldtennant: what I want 2 know is why does jen have bedhead?

jencoco: it's because I was sleeping on the fricking floor of matt’s room you assuming bastard

jencoco: hip rotation

jencoco: snap my fingers in a z formation

rattyburvill: slay gurl yas

kazza: anyone for a game of spot the gay??

oldtennant: so it's floorhead you labeling bastard

oldtennant: did I asK U KAREN

rattyburvill: um im not gay thank

kazza: aww arty of course u are


	5. nyoom

jencoco: matt help theres a bee

smithers: jen help theres a bee

oldtennant: ok I'll get it u wusses


	6. over-fuccin-ruled

billie: tbh ive never met half of you guys but we should have a moVIE NIGHT

jencoco: um yes pls 

jencoco: what movie tho

smithers: DAY OF THE DOCTOR

jencoco: donT BE SUCH AN ATTENTION WHORE MATTHEW

smithers: :,(

smithers: y do u keep calling me that

jencoco: cuz its ur name

oldtennant: binh you were in day of the doctor too

smithers: ??? so were you ???

kazza: yes we get it you all know eacother

kazza: anyways

jencoco: let's watch the bee movie

billie: NO

kazza: NO

smithers: NO

oldtennant: NO

superpeter: NO

jencoco: sounds like a yes to me! :))

smithers: yallalll if jen wants 2 watch the bee movie we'll watch the bee movie

kazza: aww so cute

kazza: my answer is still NO

billie: what the henck is a yallall

oldtennant: *shrug*

jencoco: so its settled then

jencoco: were watching the bee movie

oldtennant: i call bullshit

superpeter: yeah same

superpeter: even the emoji movie would be better

kazza: um i have to disagree??

jencoco: dont be stupid, the emoji movie isnt even out on dvd yet  


rattyburvill: well you would know

jencoco: yeah ofc im going to walmart at midnight on the release deate

superpeter: watch this guys

superpeter: hey jen, when does the emoji movie come out on dvd

jencoco: october 24th duh

billie: holydamn that was fast

jencoco: of course i know when it comes out on dvd

jencoco: wHAT KIDNA FAKE FAN DO YOU THINK I AM

smithers: *backs away slowly*

smithers: im gonna have to overrule that

kazza: there are so many better movies

jencoco: …

smithers: nO

jencoco: SHREK 4EVER AFTER

oldtennant: o come on we all know that was the worst shrek movie

kazza: over-fuccin-ruled

billie: jeusus 

billie: lets just watch rent or some shit


	7. shots shots shots shots shots

smithers: be careful guys, the starbucks person gave jen 3 shots of espresso instead of half of one in her coffee for some reason

jencoco: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

kazza: woah aight calm down girl

superpeter: jen where did u go we gotta film

jencoco: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

superpeter: matt pleas translate ur girlfriend

smithers: idk man thats what it sounds like to me too

kazza: is dshe doing that in real life too

smithers: yeah pretty much

smithers: @old man crapaldi, shes not my girlfriend

billie: everything about that text was so intensely passive-agressive

jencoco: sccccccccccccccRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

oldtennant: relatable

billie: wow ur so hip with the kids

oldtennant: thx babe

billie: darn i wish sarcasm registered over text

oldtennant: wym billie im so ##edgy

billie: im breaking up with u

smithers: what is jenna doing now

superpeter: i havent seen her in like 10 minutes

superpeter: she just chugged down that coffee and ran screaming into the night

oldtennant: u fuccin idiot jen’s like FIVE FOOT

oldtennant: how did you thINK 3 shots of espresso would affect her

smithers: ITS NOT MY FAULT OK

smithers: THE STARBUCKS LADY DID IT

jencoco: aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

smithers: why are you such a lightweight

jencoco: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

jencoco: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

smithers: jen

jencoco: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

smithers: jen stop

jencoco: aaaaaaa

jencoco: a

smithers: are you ok

smithers: jenna?

smithers: PETER I SWEAR TO GOD IF SOMETHING HAPPENED

superpeter: its ok matt i found her

superpeter: shes passed out in a storage cabinet

smithers: wtf jen its been like 30 minutes since you drank that

jencoco: …

jencoco: lol sorry

superpeter: she woke up and the first thing she did was pull out her phone

superpeter: and said “gotta text mattheeeeeeeeeew”

kazza: im shook

jencoco: i just slapped peter btw

smithers: im coming to get you before you injure anyone else

jencoco: cmon u know u love me


	8. ##exposed bicnh

kazza: lets spill tea

billie: karen what its like 2 am

jencoco: like expose peoplw?

kazza: exactly

billie: pls dont encourage her

oldtennant: im in!!

billie: DAVOD

smithers: i have so much jenna tea to spill

_jencoco has left the chat_

_smithers has added jencoco to the chat_

_smithers has changed jencoco’s name to exposed_

smithers: where should i start

exposed: dear god

billie: i am so ready

kazza: e x p o s e h e r

rattyburvill: i have karen tea

kazza: n o

rattyburvill: remember that awards show??

rattyburvill: karen wore that dress to bed and then for the whole next day

billie: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

kazza: IVE DONE WORSE

exposed: enlighten us

smithers: JENNA HAS A SHITTY TASTE IN MUSIC

exposed: i do not!!

kazza: whodo you listenn to

exposed: …

exposed: i like fifth harmony

billie: oh theyre not awful

kazza: theyre the best usa girl group in my opinion

smithers: DAMMIT

smithers: um

smithers: what about taylor swift

smithers: and katy perry

oldtennant: ew??

billie: yeah they do suck

billie: sorry jen

exposed: >:(

kazza: i second that

kazza: but that wasnt very nice matt

kazza: spill tea on him now jenna

_kazza changed exposed’s name to jencoco_

jencoco: thanks boo

jencoco: >:)

smithers: ono

jencoco: MATT STILL SLEEPS WITH A TEDDY BEAR

kazza: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

billie: HAHAHAHAHA

supepeter: lOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

jencoco: tis true, my friends

rattyburvill: OMG MATT RLLY

smithers: …

smithers: i truSTED YOU

smithers: I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL

smithers: if you know how i feel why would you say that? you put me in such an uncomfortable position like you know im not happy you know that im trying to see if itll work out and its not working out

kazza: shut  


smithers: :(

oldtennant: how do you know that matt sleeps w a teddy bear jenna ;)))))))))

billie: david get your mind out of the gutter

jencoco: cuz i slept w him

jencoco: duh

billie: …

billie: oh shit

kazza: w h a t 

rattyburvill: wait what

superpeter: WHAT

_smithers has left the chat_

jencoco: im totally kidding lolololololololololol

superpeter: then why did matt leave the chat

jencoco: hes a pussy

jencoco: he also has an imaginary friend named rue

kazza: #exposed

billie: you guys realize its still like 2 am right

oldtennant: nah too much adrenaline

oldtennant: wanna come over ;);););)

billie: no

oldtennant: i thought you liked me


	9. ur weird

jencoco: u wuss

_jencoco added smithers to the chat_

jencoco: you know we havent slept togteher why did u leave

smithers: i dont like pressure

rattyburvill: this is the weirdest interaction ive ever seen

kazza: arthur no

rattyburvill: whAT

kazza: just no

rattyburvill: love u too karen

jencoco: now that was a weird interaction


	10. because we want to

kazza: have any of us actually heard billie’s music

superpeter: no

jencoco: no

rattyburvill: no

smithers: no

billie: yes

oldtennant: i havent???

billie: DAVID YOU SIAD YOU LISTENED TO BWWT

oldtennant: i technically did but i only listened to like the first minute cuz it sucked

billie: ;((

kazza: billie did you actually say yes to hearing your own song

billie: it would be weird if i said no


	11. we must protect jodie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new characters!
> 
> potts: pearl mackie  
> eeeee: ingrid oliver  
> gay™: john barrowman  
> doctorjones: freema agyeman  
> pure: jodie whittaker  
> ginge: catherine tate

superpeter: can i add the queen

jencoco: peter im already here *flips hair*

superpeter: stop the delusions

jencoco: okay that was harsh

superpeter: anywaYS

_superpeter added potts to the chat_

potts: whyyyy

jencoco: oh yeah pearl is def cooler than me

potts: i thought you liked me peter

superpeter: i do

potts: then why would you care this little about my well being

jencoco: this is boring ur right

jencoco: im adding more people

_jencoco added gay™, eeeee, pure, ginge, and doctorjones to the chat_

eeeee: whom’st’ve the FUCK came up with these usernames

jencoco: me

superpeter: it suits you ingrid

kazza: jen you have competition for biggest shitposter in this chat now

jencoco: whom’st'd've'lu'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es'nt't're'ing'able'tic do you think youre talking to

eeeee: can i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh little bit of respect

oldtennant: i mean she did copypaste the entire script of the bee movie into the chat once

rattyburvill: *shudders* i have ptsd from that incident

eeeee: truce

jencoco: agreed

kazza: never mind jen wins

pure: hi!!! :)

superpeter: i would know that pureness anywhERE

superpeter: ITS JODIE WHITTAKER

pure: who are you guys?

gay™: i concur that this is the doctor who actors group chat i’ve heard so much about?

oldtennant: oh hey john

gay™: hey david lets make out

billie: no??????????????????????

oldtennant: john dont you have a husband

pure: :)

jencoco: STOP YOURE SO CUTE

pure: oh hey!! jenna coleman right? i think im older than you why are you calling me cute

jencoco: yup 4 years

jencoco: im calling you cute becaus youre the cutest thing ive ever seen

smithers: aight jen tune down the bisexuality a few octaves

jencoco: stop oppressing me

doctorjones: w h a t i s t h e p u r p o s e

ginge: hello all?

kazza: heY

kazza: IM THE BEST GINGE

oldtennant: FREEMA

oldtennant: and im guessing thats catherine?? 

kazza: i’ll fight her

ginge: square up, miss hotshot

smithers: its weird that freema’s name is the only one that has doctor in it despite not being one one of the three doctors in this chat

doctorjones: probably because none of you alien idiots are ACTUALLY QUALIFIED

pure: theres four now! :)

smithers: youre right how could we forget jodie whittaker

superpeter: jenna why are you crying

jencoco: shes… shes so cute

smithers: hey wow i thought we had something special

rattyburvill: are we all just going to ignore the fact that cath is probably driving to kern’s house right now

kazza: im not complaining i’ll fight her any day

kazza: wait did you just call me kern

_jencoco changed kazza’s name to kern_

_jencoco named the chat “jodie whittaker is the purest soul”_

jencoco: i can breathe again

kern: reALLY

ginge: do i have to get pulled over for texting and driving to tell you younguns to shut your traps

oldtennant: you get used to it

pure: :)

jencoco: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

potts: what the fuck

gay™: me too pearl


	12. old man crapaldi

eeeee: okay so jenna

jencoco: yes 

eeeee: t h i s i s w a r

jencoco: ha im gonna win

kern: so here for this fight

eeeee: wait in real life?

eeeee: holY SHIT OKAY

eeeee: _a video: jenna physically launches herself at the camera, screeching. the view goes black and there are muffled thumps and loud noises in the background._

kern: on second thought, im glad i wasn’t here for that fight

eeeee: wherENLK THE HEELL DID YOU COME FROM

jencoco: im evferywhere and nowher bitcH

smithers: JENNA CALM DOWN

jencoco: NO WA YIMMA GONAN GET HER

potts: does this happen often

superpeter: yeah pretty much

superpeter: jenna alternates between being a tiny meme and a high-strung, rolling ball of energy

jencoco: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

eeeee: pls stop

jencoco: YOU DONT ONW ME, FINGER ASSHOLE

smithers: aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

superpeter: WHY ARE WE YELLING

smithers: FINGER ASSHOLE

superpeter: ??

smithers: INGRID OLIVER= FINGER ASSHOLE

smithers: at least, in jenna’s mind

eeeee: I DONT APPRECIATE BEING CALLED FINGER

_superpeter changed eeeee’s name to finger_

finger: goDDAMNIT

jencoco: sHE INSULTED MTY HONGKONMF

finger: WHAT?????

jencoco: MY HONOIRORJ

smithers: (her honor)

finger: oh

finger: i retract my earlier statement

jencoco: thansjsks indgrid i loev you no homro

superpeter: jenna where youre involved theres always a little homo

_jencoco changed superpeter’s name to crapaldi_

crapaldi: fuckign heck

smithers: what earlier statement

crapaldi: sh the baby’s sleeping

jencoco: shup the fup up grandpa

potts: again, what the FUCK


	13. peral mackle

finger: eat my ass you gay motherheckers B-)

jencoco: there are like two queers in this chat?

kern: 3, your forgetting arthur

rattyburvill: literally NOT GAY

rattyburvill: MARRIED

rattyburvill: to a WOMAN

rattyburvill: for almost 4 YEARS

kern: dont deny yourself arther

potts: *you’re

jencoco: john and i agree that there can be 3

jencoco: pearl can be an honorary queer

gay™: because you were gay in the show 

gay™: also damn pearl mackie your name sounds like a badass drag queen

potts: thx

rattyburvil: did you just call me arther

kern: yeah wygd about it

rattyburvill: idk your scary

potts: *you’re

crapaldi: are we all ignoring that ingrid told us all to eat her ass

jencoco: im down tbh

finger: come on over baby ;)

smithers: stay in your fucken lane, finger

smithers: that’s my girl your’e seducing

potts: *you’re

jencoco: you were never my juliet, matthew

jencoco: only my rosaline

crapaldi: jenna reads? ://

jencoco: just because youre one of my s/os doesnt mean i wont knock your block off

smithers: jenna how many s/os do you have

jencoco: 3: you, ingrid, peter, and jodie

jencoco: but youre my favorite :)

crapaldi: thats 4???

jencoco: oh well

jencoco: now i have 3

smithers: thanks???????????????

pure: i’d like to thank the academy,

jencoco: nvm, jodie is my favorite s/o

kern: she said to her boyfriend

smithers: oh what a joy is monogamy

smithers: what a joy is saving your joys for one man

jencoco: idk where your from 

jencoco: but where i come from 

jencoco: quoting falsettos at a problem doesnt make it go away

jencoco: also, *woman

potts: *you’re

smithers: i am hurt

jencoco: jfc matt i was kidding

jencoco: (jodie wanna be my mistress)

pure: i mean, sure

jencoco: SHHHHH he can hear you

pure: oh sorry

pure: (yeah sure)

smithers: what the 

jencoco: STILL KIDDING

jencoco: come over and i’ll make you tea and we’ll watch christmas movies and cuddle <3

smithers: okayyyyy i love you

jencoco: love you too

doctorjones: THAT was really pure

jencoco: also peral onyl tals to correct ppl’s grammar

kern: lmao peral mackle

potts: *only

ginge: you just got toasted

_jencoco changed pott’s name to peral mackle_

_jencoco changed peral’s name to potthead_

jencoco: which one

potthead: i like this one

crapaldi: are we still ignoring the fact that ingrid started this by asking us to cumulatively eat her ass

rattyburvill: we probably should

kern: agreed


End file.
